Oct 27 2006"Smokin' Aces" Trailer, Douches
If douche bags were giant robot cats, Smokin' Aces would be their Voltron. Want proof? Then watch the new trailer, where you can see Ben Affleck, Jeremy Piven, and some other suspected date rapists reenact Snatch (without the accents) in this stylized shoot-em-up. If you're wondering why Dane Cook isn't in the line-up, it's because Ryan Reynolds is there instead. Scientifically, only one of the two can exist at any given point at one time, and as one feels joy, the other must feel pain. This delicate balance is all that keeps the Frat-iverse from imploding.
Oct 27 2006Stiller Pillow = Stillow
Defamer has an exclusive shot of a crucial prop (and a more detailed explanation of its origins) from the new Farrelly Brothers movie, The Heartbreak Kid: a pillow featuring the needlepoint likeness of Ben Stiller. After the film, it will be used as a surrogate mother for a baby chimp.
Oct 26 2006Tim Burton Makes "Bones"
Completely without the aid of Johnny Depp, Tim Burton has taken a stab at the music video field by directing the video for The Killers' newest single, "Bones." The loose story involves Devon Aoki and some dude ripping off their skin, thus revealing their bones, and carrying on with skeleton passion. I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised by the literal translation of the song since Edward Scissorhands was literally a guy with scissors for hands, Corpse Bride was literally about a corpse bride, and Planet of the Apes was literally a shitty remake of Planet of the Apes.
See it at MTV.com, but know you're a tool after you do.
Oct 26 2006"Farce of the Penguins" Brings AFV to New Level
The trailer for Bob Saget's March of the Penguins parody, Farce of the Penguins (get it?), is online. It looks like if America's Funniest Home Videos was just one hour-and-a-half-long clip of penguins, with several actors doing goofy voices. Also, the clip has no inherent humor outside of these idiotic voices, so they make up for it with crude vulgarity. Can you believe that isn't the tagline?
If Bob Saget hasn't shot himself yet, why hasn't someone else?
Oct 26 2006"Come Early Morning" Trailer Comes
Joey Lauren Adams has taken a break from losing roles to Renee Zellweger to write and direct Come Early Morning, and you lucky dog, you, the trailer is online. Ashley Judd, playing either Thelma or Louise, turns in "one of the best performance of her career," claims the remaining functional portions of Roger Ebert's brain. Has he not seen Simon Birch?
If you're looking to watch the transformation of a slutty old hillbilly into a monogomous old hillbilly, buying one a drink and promising her a truck is still the preferred method over seeing this movie.
Oct 25 2006Tenacious D Talk Movie Piracy
As part of the promotional campaign to the Tenacious D movie, Jack Black has made this parody of those anti-piracy ads that have been running before previews. Show it to your friends. Notice Steve's not laughing so hard? He's a narc!
Oct 25 2006Venom's Head Maybe?
A prototype of Venom's head from Spider-Man 3 has turned up as what appears to be a mud golem, ready to protect Jewish nerds worldwide. In the comics, Venom was most often portrayed as having a great fanged jaw with a thick, slimey tongue spiraling outward. This one has sort of big lips. It's really more of a threat to Meg Ryan than Spider-Man.
Source
Oct 25 2006I Have a "Promonition" This is Crap
Have you ever noticed how a lot of movies get sort of cheesy and unrealistic by making characters constantly speak to themselves to provide exposition? They must not realize they could provide the same heavy-handed explanation with a fun and crafty magic marker calendar, as you'll see in the new trailer for Premonition. When the Sandra Bullock woman's husband dies in a car crash, she's shocked to find him alive the next day. Weird! Each morning she finds herself alternating between the time after he dies and the time just prior, possibly giving her the time to stop the horrible accident* before it happens, if only she can sort out the convoluted timeline before it's too late. It's like Memento for retards!
*Miss Congeniality 2
Oct 25 2006Conan Airing in Skele-vision
On October 31st, while children are enjoying the healthy fruit alternatives to candy I provided them, Conan O'Brien will be making television history by airing an all-skeleton episode of Late Night. This won't be the first time the show has repalaced actors with other things; in May 2003, O'Brien similarly replaced the video of his show with a claymation recreation. So for the all-skeleton show, who is his guest going to be, Nicole Richie!? Haha! She's so thin! Hahahahaha! She's probably very unhealthy because of societal pressures! Hahaha! The dumb bitch! Hahahaha!
The guests will actually be Larry King, Omar Epps and Sheila Kelley, with a special "In the Year 2000" appearance by Will Arnett.
Oct 24 2006Seinfeld Asks, What's the Deal with Bees?
Practically in hiding since the end of his television series, Jerry Seinfeld makes his big return on the big screen in the DreamWorks animated picture Bee Movie. Animated News has nabbed some early stills from the film, which Seinfeld wrote and produced. Fans of the comedian will also be pleased to learn that they'll be hearing his voice again, providing they don't mind it coming from a chimera of Seinfeld's teeth, Brooke Shields's eyebrows and Christina Ricci's haunting eyes crammed into the form of a cartoon bee. If I somehow had the power to steer evolution, my course would be anywhere but here.
See more stills at this other Internet site.
Oct 24 2006"Day of the Dead" Trailer, Supposedly
For all those begging for more re-made mediocrity, the trailer for the new Day of the Dead is up over here. I tried to get it to load for about fifteen minutes before I gave up and took a dump, which I assume was equally fulfilling. Good luck to you.
Oct 24 2006Shrek the Third Princesses
A look at all five princesses of Shrek the Third or the cast of The View? Only God can decide.
High resolution here, suitable for computer desktop, printing, taboo masturbation.
Oct 23 2006"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" Nerdiness
Though they missed the opportunity for a clever double entrendre by using "reel" in their title, Real Movie News has managed to get some exclusive pictures from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with Harry and Arthur Weasley. From the looks of these, the first order of the Phoenix was apparently ordering Daniel Radcliffe to look like a huge fucking nerd. Looking like this may fly at Hogwarts, but if he would have come to my school in this getup he would have quickly learned that no spell will counteract the humiliation of a daily wedgie. And trust me, having your mom call doesn't help either. It only encourages them.
Full sizes over here.
Oct 23 2006Transformers Protoforms Images
In the form of toy packaging, the first look at the protoforms of Optimus Prime and Starscream have revealed themselves on this messageboard thanks to the intrepid journalist Puma King, long-considered to be both the Woodward and Bernstein of toy packaging. If you're so naive as to not know what a Transformer protoform is, it's how the alien robots looked before scanning our vehicles and somehow switching into robots that could transform into Earth cars instead of alien cars or whatever they were before, you idiot. If Optimus Prime were Michael Jackson, this would be how he looked in the Jackson Five era, thereby making his later semi-truck form a child molester.
Oct 23 2006Jane Wyatt Dies
When most people think of great TV moms, their minds immediately go to Carol Brady, June Clever, Clair Huxtable, that surrogate mom from The Facts of Life, and they forget the smaller but equally important moms. Like Spock's human mother, for instance. Jane Wyatt, portayer of Spock's mother (and, with Wyatt Earp, a great "before-and-after" clue) has died at the age of 96. While her Emmy-winning role as Margaret Anderson in the classic series Father Knows Best may have brought her the most notoriety, it was her contribution to Mr. Spock's gene pool that gave the science officer the ability to make the occasional out-of-character joke that allowed us to laugh away the fact that we just watched yet another episode of Star Trek based on finding a planet that mimics Earth's past. She is survived by two children, none Vulcan.
