Sep 8 2006John Travolta as Fat Woman in Hairspray
For those willing to say "sexual repercussions be damned," take a good long look at this picture of John Travolta (left?) in costume for his role as Edna Turnblad in Hairspray. This shocking picture officially completely distracts everyone from the photo of him kissing another man that just turned up, leaving no question of his sexual preferences. Nice cover-up, Johnny.
Just kidding, you big gay. This is much worse.
Sep 8 2006Casino Royale Trailer (with Cheese)
The new trailer for the expected to disappoint Bond flick, Casino Royale, has been released. After seeing it, many are turning around, saying this really might be one of the best Bond films yet. Those saying that are actually chimps who are grateful to see another lower primate in such a well-dressed role. It looks more like a Bond rip-off made to showcase how ClubMed vacations make you feel like a secret agent. The only part that I like more is how, when Bond becomes a "double-0," the film goes from black & white to color, implying a license to kill is kind of like going from Kansas to Oz. I bet it is, too.
And what's up with Le Chiffre's eye bleeding during the card game? That's probably one of the worst tells in poker. If someone's eye stars spontaneously bleeing, you always want to fold. I don't care how good your hand is, if it's not making your eye bleed, the guy whose eye is bleeding probably has the better hand.
Sep 7 2006Sleuth Remake with Caine and Law
The classic British film, Sleuth, which starred Laurence Olivier and Michael Caine, is the next in line for an unnecessary remake, this time with Caine taking on Olivier's role and Jude Law moving into Caine's hairdresser part. Kenneth Branagh will direct the pair in the plot that, if it's anything like the original, is basically the two actors walking around a mansion for a couple hours.
I'm curious if modern audiences will tolerate such a slow-paced story. We've grown accustomed to MTV's style of fast cuts, flashy effects, and Gideon Yago. Something will need to be done to keep the attention of the youth. Here are my ideas to modernize the concept:
- Allow audience members to call in and vote off one of the stars. Replace voted-off actor with out-of-work celebrity.
- Instead of adultery, the conflict stems from unreturned "Thx for the add!" from Law after MySpace friending (plus, Caine posts too many survey bulletins).
- Reveal one of them has a "firecrotch." Let the story go where it will from there.
- Same plot, but they're also competing to eat a horse penis by the end credits.
No matter how it's updated, I can't wait to see why it's much worse.
Sep 7 2006Dead or Alive International Trailer--Internationally HOT!
For too long, the Hollywood system has relied too heavily on imaginative plots and interesting characters to drive their films, ignoring my continued requests for unrealistic fight sequences, hokey dialogue, and nearly-naked women. Since Citizen Kane first toned itself down to meet appeal to a more highbrow crowd ("Rosebud" was originally a clitoris), there has been a tradition of delivering uppity entertainment that many Americans, like myself, just don't "get." No one is willing to deliver the sex and violence we're really after. Dead or Alive is about to turn all that around. Watching the new international trailer, my first thought was, "Hey! What am I doing thinking?" This trailer eliminates all need for thought! I was reduced to my base instincts. All I could feel was lust and violence. I was raw emotion (particularly the emotion of beach volleyball). I killed a boar!
If Hollywood is worried about downloads and pirating stealing audiences from theaters, this is the kind of movie they need to make more of. DoA offers something many movie-goers can't get in their homes: seeing breasts.
Download it here.
Sep 6 2006Will Ferrell in Blades of Glory, possibly Prince Valiant
My excitement about male figure skating has reached a head, and this picture of Will Ferrell in the upcoming Blades of Glory is about to pop it! Honestly, it's about time someone lampooned the figure skating world. We've held it in such high-esteem for so long, it was skating dangerously close to the sun (which would melt the ice, ruining the beautiful tricks they were performing on it). Blades features the comedic talents of Jon Heder, Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, and Jenna Fischer and the costumes from the ill-fated Tron sequel, Gay Tron.
Sep 6 2006Cate Blanchett as Bob Dylan
Already being called the "Rosie the Riveter of Playing a Folk Musician," Cate Blanchett has busted down the gender wall that has, since at least the release of "Mr. Tambourine Man," stopped women from playing Bob Dylan. In these shots from Rolling Stone, Blanchett looks the part more than any man (though, I assume, makes roughly two-thirds as much on the dollar). Take that, patriarchy!
The role is part of Todd Haynes's new biopic, I'm Not There, in which seven seperate actors will play the folk legend at various points of his life. It's known that Richard Gere, Heath Ledger, Julianne Moore, David Cross, Michelle Williams and Christian Bale are also in the movie, though it's still unclear if they'll all be playing Dylan. It's assumed from the photos that Blanchett must be playing mid-'60s Dylan, while Christian Bale will be playing early-Batman Dylan.
Sep 6 2006Optimus Prime's Passport Photo
Emerging from the small, blurry, Bigfoot-style pictures of the Transformers comes a crisp detail of the design and face of the leader of the Autobots. Like grandma, he's now barely recognizeable compared to the pictures of him from your childhood, but you'll still probably end up wasting two hours on both of them next summer, out of guilt if nothing else.
Some full-body shots under the cut.
Sep 5 2006Killshot Trailer Shoots/Kills Any Interest In Movie
Director John Madden, who continues to insist he's not the football guy, has successfully fused two semi-related words into one mediocre-looking movie: Killshot. The first thing you're going to think when watching this is "Why is the bad guy from Kindergarten Cop in this?" That's actually Mickey Rourke. Your next thought will be "When did Mickey Rourke become a Native American?" I don't know, try to move past that. Then you'll think, "When did Third Rock kid become a child molestor?" I can only assume he always has been but went unnoticed because he looked pre-pubescent until a few months ago. Your final thought will be, "Can I have back the time I spent watching this?" I'm sorry.
Sep 4 2006Let's Go To Prison Trailer Reminds You to Watch Oz
Bob Odenkirk directing a movie starring Will Arnett has to be funny, right? Not if various scenes pieced together into a short promotional piece are any indication. It looks like an unoriginal hack of a film that relies entirely on the prison stereotypes in every other prison comedy. Remember, however funny prison rape is, it's always funnier when committed by a large black man.
Luckily, what it lacks if laughs it makes up for with shots of Will Arnett looking dumbfounded.
Sep 4 2006Pan's Labyrinth Teaser Trailer Shows Pan Has Promising Labyrinth
The crack team down at CHUD got a hold of the new teaser for Guillermo Del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth. What do you call it when you orgasm in glee and shit yourself in fear at the same time? Or better yet, how do you clean it? Because that's what this made me do.
Sep 4 2006Steve Irwin Killed by Stingray
In case you missed the news over the holiday weekend, not everyone had Monday off. No, while man celebrated the act of laboring with a day of leisure, stingrays were busy murdering Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter. I always knew a creature that flat couldn't be trusted. The only fair revenge is the loss of a similar stingray D-list cable personality. Maybe a stingray Kathy Griffin or stingray Ant (you know, from Celebrity Fit Club). This is war, stringrays. This won't be forgotten.
