August 28, 2006

Primetime Emmy Awards Pseudo-Liveblogged

As much as I respect the Academy of Arts and Sciences, particularly the sciences division, I didn't bother watching much of the Emmy Awards. But if I did, this is what it would have been like had I "liveblogged" it.

Red Carpet: Joan Rivers, you nailed it again.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Oh, gosh, this exciting! Conan was so funny telling jokes! I'm glad he hasn't pulled at fake strings on his hips yet! They're going to give the first award! I hope it goes to someone with a whiny voice! Yes! Megan Mullally! I love her show where she reminds me what a joke homosexuality is!

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: OSAiaDS is next! My favorite! When you've got Hawkeye Pierce against T.J. Hooker, who do you even root for? Yes! Hawkeye wins for doing something in The West Wing! Was this awarded for reruns or is that still on the air somehow?

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: Supporting actress in a drama! I'm so excited! I must never forget that women are functional members of our society as well, even if only in a supporting role! I hope Candice Bergen wins! Sure, she's already won five for Murphy Brown, but if I'm not mistaken, she lost twice, too. This is for those stolen from you, Candice! You deserved them all! Oh, Blythe Danner won. Whatever.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: It has to go to PCU or Duckie! They're both absolutely outstanding, which is the definition of the award! Yes! Jeremy Piven wins! That'll teach you to cancel Cupid, God!

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: Steve Carrell! He's got to win! Oooh, I forgot about Larry David! They're both so funny! Wait a minute, Kevin James? The King of Queens, are you fucking kidding me? He'd better be dying if they're nominating him. Tony Shaloub wins for being idiosyncratic!

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series: All the women look so beautiful! I'm crying! Tears are literally streaming down my face! My eyes burn with joy! Why can't everyone win this!? Life is so fucking unfair sometimes! Sending any of these beautiful women home without an award would be a crime! Just stop the show now! Turn out the lights, pack it in, let's go home! I can't bear to watch anyone lose this award! Ooh! Mariska Hargitay won! I hoped she'd win! She's on the best Law & Order--the pedophile one!

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus! Yes! She's so talented! She's going to be this generation's Mary Tyler Moore! Assuming being Mary Tyler Moore consists of acting in one good comedy series, then a series of terrible flops.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series: Give it to House M.D.! What? He's not nominated? BULLSHIT! Does the Academy think it's easy to look unshaven and walk with a limp? Fine, give it to Keifer Sutherland. As if talking raspy into a cell phone is so difficult.

Outstanding Comedy Series: Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, Scrubs, and Two and a Half Men are up for it, conveniently arranged in descending order of worth. The Office wins! The voters must have read that they should like it in an Entertainment Weekly.

Outstanding Drama Series: 24 wins! I have to say, they deserve it. They've taken a show that could have just been gimmicky bullshit and stretched the concept to five seasons of gimmicky bullshit. Bravo!

Other winners: Yay! Awards!

Complete list is here, sans dramatic commentary. I can't wait for next year!

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