Jul 28 2006The Santa Clause 3 Poster

lol

I still remember seeing the first one...and then saying out loud, "I'll be happy as long as nobody gives it to me for Christmas" and then my crazy aunt gave it to me.

should have the shadows of mike, crow and tom server at the bottom...

ooops...i meant the great tom servo...funnier guy on mst3k by the way :)

Oh man this needs to be rated R for extreme gore and violence.

I want a balls-out fight to the death in this film. Martin Short's maniacal grin tells me that it is ON.

Okay, here we go folks, the battle of the century. Forget Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Israel and Hesbola. This is the war of the new millenia, similar to God v. Satan, Rocky XVI v. Mr T, and Pepsi v. Coke (Satan, Mr T, Pepsi).

This is the plot I'm envisioning: Starts out all Hustle and Flow (it has to be good because it won an Oscar, right???? [ps: i'm not questioning the validity of the Oscar]). A (black) Tim Allen busts out his Disney-friendly rehashed version of "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp, Yo". Maybe something like "The upstart fishmonger (fishmonger in Shakespearean terms means pimp because fish was a euphemism for vagina. this will fit right in and still make absolute sense because they'll have a classy yet subversive animation of dancing fish) overcomes adversity on the hard streets of the North Pole" with the same rhythm to "One Day My Prince Will Come" ala Snowwhite. I don't know. We'll put it through a think tank and I'm sure it'll be banging.

Then we pan over to Martin Short, somewhere in the Ghetto, blood&gore dripping from his mouth and a crack needle sticking out of his right arm (he took some creative initiative and made his character into a junkie-vampire). Anyway, Martin is all "Damn son, whats a nigga gotta do to get some pussy?" and then a kid-friendly hobo (is there any other kind?) will come dancing in because he's on a cocktail to methamphetamines, speed, and crack-cocaine. He'll tell Martin all about this bitch he knows named MrsClaus. She's a notoriously skanky whore and will always put out.

So Martin embarks on a screwy journey to the North Pole riding on an LSD-rainbow. And he'll meet a whole bunch of insane Disney characters along the way, like Lance the Gay Lion from the Lion King, the Little Mermaid's obnoxious fat sister, and Dick Van Dyke.

Except it turns out that the Hobo was actually Rudolph in disguise. He isn't Santa's number one bitch anymore, and was trying to get some petty revenge. Except after a change of sex (and heart... I guess), Rudolph realizes what (s)he's done and tells Tim Allen about the evil that's headed his way.

All of that I just mentioned would take like ten minutes. The rest of the 145 minute movie would be Santa and Jack dueling it out. Jack would win because he can turn into a Snowman, and everyone knows that snowmen are ruthless psychopathic killers. Except Santa has his million-man army of mindless drones.

Awesome. This movie will stand together on my shelf with great movies like Ultraviolet and Fellini Satyricon.

Clearly Hollywood has too much money.

Wooow. Just when I thought that Hollywood and Disney couldn't get any whiter.

No offense to the white people I know and love, but even they were like "dude, this is SO WHITE"...

http://www.blackbeatpress.com

Someone should just put Tim Allen out of his misery. Him and the Wayans brothers. There should be a maximum security facility for filmmakers who aren't allowed to make movies anymore.