Jun 30 2006Transformers The Movie Announcement Teaser
The official Transformers movie website has posted a teaser for the film. Still no solid look at the robots themselves, but you do get a peek at the silhouette of one. And if I can't see an actual Transformer, I'll take a silhouette over nothing. And if I can't have contact with women for legal reasons, I'll take driving close behind semi-trucks to stare at their silhouetted lady mudflaps, too. And I'll even take a pile of coats on a hook as a best friend. Screw you, society.
Jun 30 2006The Nativity Story Teaser
The "Phantom Menace" of the Christ saga, The Nativity Story, has a teaser trailer online for you to pray over. It's very descriptive, noting that the movie will contain one family, one journey, and one child. Is that right? Maybe a few wise men, too? Some barn animals? That's a real shocker. My neighbor's Christmas decorations are a better Nativity story teaser than this. The neighborhood kids who drew a penis on the baby Jesus and wrote "Jesus Christ He's Hung!" on the manger would disagree.
Jun 29 2006The Guardian Trailer
The unstoppable team of Kutch and Cost(ner) star in The Guardian, the tale of an expert Coast Guard rescue swimmer (Cost) sent to teach new recruits, one of which is the brash, young hotshot Kutch.
Only watch this trailer if you really have nothing else to do. If you just lost your job, your spouse left you, maybe you lost a testicle, and you're willing to do anything just to go another three minutes without having to contemplate suicide, watch this. Otherwise, do anything else. The acting prowess of Cost and Kutch is about as winning as putting a couple dogs in a room together. They both do some barking, but it's unclear whether either of them have a clue what the other is saying. The dogs have the advantage, however, in that I'd rather watch the dogs barking than see this movie.
Jun 29 2006The Fourth Spider-Man 3 Villain Is...
So you've seen the teaser trailer for Spider-Man 3, but you're still wondering who the mysterious fourth villain will be? Film Ick claims they know, plus a lot more of the plot. In the interest of preserving the possible "spoiler," I'll put the answer behind the cut. Think of it as passing a secret note in class for the new millennium, only this note won't say, "No, I don't like you. You wear 'husky' jeans."
Jun 29 2006Saw 3 Poster
The poster for Saw 3 has been released, cleverly using the few teeth left in a mouth to almost form the appropriate Roman numeral. Because graphic disfigurement is probably the best way to sell a movie. Why else would they keep casting Sarah Jessica Parker in things?
Jun 28 2006Spider-Man 3 Teaser Officially Released
After the link went down for the bootlegged Spider-Man 3 teaser trailer, I went about recreating it on the street, you know, really bring it to the people. Things didn't go well. It turns out covering yourself in black make-up can be mistaken for another types of performance. Also, if you're covered head-to-toe in make-up, don't start tossing sand around. It seemed like it would be a good way to imitate the part where Sandman drops on the street, but you'll find that most of that sand is going to stick to you and get in your crotch and mouth. Luckily, the folks at Sony have done the courtesy of posting a high-quality, authorized version, bringing an end to my one day one-man show. It's a shame, too, because I think I really nailed the part where Peter Parker makes out with Mary Jane. And I know one homeless gentleman who agreed whole-heartedly.
Jun 28 2006The Illusionist Has a Poster
Here's the poster for The Illusionist, the story of a magician (Edward Norton) using his abilities to win the love of a woman (Jessica Biel) far above his social standing. I'm pretty sure it's just the life of David Copperfield, except instead of using illusions to win over supermodel Claudia Schiffer, Copperfield used a contract and large sums of money to fake a relationship. So maybe it's more like the story of Kevin Federline, but with magic instead of wife-beaters.
Jun 28 2006Star Jones Waddles Off The View
Following months of speculation, Star Jones finally made the formal announcement of her departure from the The View. Star was one of the original cast members when the show began nine years ago, and is particularly notable for continuing to be known as "the fat one" even after losing large amounts of weight. Her statement made it unclear if she would be returning to her bug-eye planet, or if this simply means devoting more time to "heteroing-out" her husband.
Jun 27 2006Spider-Man 3 Teaser Leaked
If you can't wait to see the Spider-Man 3 teaser trailer before Superman Returns, some trusty bootleggers have videotaped it and posted it online here.
Treating it like a sexual experience, I figured it wouldn't last long and took some photo proof. The Spider-Man shots are under the cut. Pictures of my sexual experiences are already on the Internet, keywords: small, pathetic, weeping, horses.
Jun 27 2006Snakes on a Plane Preview
I'm really liking the variety of weapons it appears that Sam Jackson is using to fight these snakes. Previous trailers showed a gun and a Taser, and now it looks like he's got a harpoon gun and something to shoot fire, too. It's like they gave up on making this a movie and decided to make it more of a first-person shooter.
In this age of increased airport security, increased sensitivity, and general fear, it's nice that one movie is willing to say, "Fuck it. Let's just put some snakes on a plane with some random weapons and see what happens."
NOTE: If he shoots that harpoon straight down a snake's throat and stick it to a wall, I'll shit myself.
Jun 27 2006New Talladega Nights One-Sheet
Compared to the previous poster, the new one-sheet for Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby gives it a much more epic feel--like if Star Wars were set in the world of rednecks. But this galaxy far, far away is the American south, where your "Force" is measured by the number of American flags in your truck's rear window, and, I imagine, their lightsaber is some kind of more efficient way of beating women with light.
Jun 26 2006Keith Richards Will Be in Pirates of the Caribbean 3
After Johnny Depp cited Keith Richards as an influence on his character of Captain Jack Sparrow (both tie rags to themselves as decoration/are dead), rumor spread that the Rolling Stones rocker would play the pirate's father in one of the sequels. Speaking to director Gore Verbinski, IGN finally got the affirmative we've been waiting for:
So now, with the third film left, we took the question to director Gore Verbinski during our exclusive interview and he finally gave the answer we'd all been waiting for. "Keith is definitely going to be in the third movie...It's a small part, but it's a great part."
So is he playing the father of Jack Sparrow? "No comment. To be interpreted."
Even without specifying, it seems pretty clear that he's going to play Sparrow's father. I have to assume, with everything he did in the 60's, any time Keith Richards is questionably the father of someone, the answer is more often that not a "yes." And that goes for both actual people and fictional characters. Even cartoon charactes. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but just by reading his name here, you're probably the illegitimate child of Keith Richards.
Jun 26 2006New Marie Antoinette Trailer
If you're still excited about Marie Antoinette despite its poor reception at Cannes, there's a new trailer for you to enjoy. Fans of anachronism and inconsistency will be pleased it still features modern music and a jumble of vocal affectations. I'm fine with creative license, but it gets a bit ridiculous during the beheading scene, where you find out she was an android, the real Marie takes off in a jet pack, and Smash Mouth comes out on the balcony to play it out to the credits.
Jun 26 2006Evan Almighty Portrays Monkeys Drinking Coffee
I'm guessing this movie will be terrible, but I can't deny the intrinsic humor to monkeys drinking coffee in this new shot from Evan Almighty, sequel to Bruce. Did they brew it, too? How do they take it? Monkeys drinking coffee: funny. Case closed.
Jun 26 2006Aaron Spelling Dies at 83
Producer Aaron Spelling, responsible for such gems as Beverly Hills 90210, Charlie's Angels, Love Boat, Melrose Place, 7th Heaven, Dynasty and hundreds of other dramas(?) that made me realize how unfulfilling my life was without affairs, murder plots, and overage high schoolers, died friday from complications of a prior stroke.
This pretty much crushes my dreams of there being an 8th Heaven, but maybe it's worth it to know no one will be around to find any more roles for Tori Spelling.
