Jun 9 2006Transformers Teaser Poster
In the new teaser poster for Michael Bay's Transformers, the sinister eye of a Decepticon overlooks the earth. So he'll see if you start masturbating to it, nerds.
Jun 9 2006The Last Kiss Teaser
A new 20-something angst dramedy The Last Kiss has a teaser online at the freshly opened zachbraff.com, or as I'm calling it, "heaven." The movie stars Jacinda Barrett, The O.C.'s Rachel Bilson, Casey Affleck, and Zach Braff at his Zach Braffiest. If making awkward looks to hip music was a job, Zach Braff would have it. And he does.
Jun 9 2006Reality Show to Star Cats
The title says it all. They're making a reality show about some cats in a house:
Ten felines, picked from animal shelters nationwide, will live in a New York house to vie — a la "Big Brother" or "Survivor" — for a grand prize, in this instance an executive-level job with Meow Mix cat food. The project will be shown in three-minute segments in the 9 p.m. EDT hour Friday on the Animal Planet channel for 10 consecutive weeks, starting June 16.
The sad fact is, if you're pathetic enough to want to watch a show about a bunch of cats living together in a house, you clearly have far more than ten cats living in your own home. Ten cats is tame for cat people. The better bet for a show is hundreds of cats in a home, each equipped with a randomly chosen weapon attached to its collar. It's called "Catiator."
Jun 9 2006Clerks 2 Posters
Some posters for Kevin Smith's Clerks 2 were released, and man are they terrible. What is with these different colored fiery backgrounds? And such clever taglines. "Always Open." Get it? They're speaking about both the fast food place the movie is set in and her vagina. I don't know how they missed putting "get ready for the second cumming" at the bottom. They must be saving that for Clerks 3.
See two other less sexy (but equally clever) versions after the jump.
Jun 8 2006Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning Trailer
Soon, you'll be able to see the origins of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning--until then, enjoy the trailer. It's only viewable between the hours of 10pm and 4am (EST?), so prepare for it to cut into your hooker time. From the looks of the trailer, this one's going to try to answer a lot of questions about the original horror classic, only to fail miserably. For example, what in the family's history caused them to brutally murder some young friends? Answer: Because they brutally murdered some other kids before that, in what looks like the same plot. Or the long asked question: Did the murderous family invent that tacky lawn ornament where it looks like a cowboy is leaning against something. Answer: Yes.
I had a hard time getting any to load besides the "medium" one, so that's my advice for viewing.
Jun 8 2006Donald Trump Making Monopoly Reality TV
Donald Trump is planning to expand further into the television market with a new reality program based on the board game Monopoly. He'll begin with a monopoly on strange hairstyles:
Real estate mogul Donald Trump is developing a new reality series based on the classic board game Monopoly. Toy company Hasbro has teamed up with the businessman, who will also serve as executive producer on the show. The series will have contestants try to gather and improve properties in order to increase their ultimate net worth.
I don't see how Monopoly could ever be a good show. Watching someone buy property and build houses really doesn't translate to watchable television. I mean, it will be better than a Yahtzee movie, but just barely. And if it's truly like the game, the show will take too long and end in an argument.
Just to be the first, I'd like to predict the winner of this new series: the cannon.
Jun 8 2006Woody Allen's Scoop Trailer
Scoop, a serial killer-mystery-romance-comedy starring Scarlett Johansson and Hugh Jackman, now has a trailer online, and it has informed me this film is apparently from "the director of Match Point," whoever that may have been. What's that unknown young upstart's name? Woody Allen, you say? Oh, yes. It seems like maybe I saw the name in a People. He seems a bit "Jewish," but I'll give him a shot since he made that tennis flick. If he keeps it up, he could be the next Zach Braff.
Jun 8 2006Yet Another Superman Returns Poster
Continuing the task of giving Superman Returns enough posters to wallpaper your home with, another one has been released. The solemn image makes a perfect cover to any poster-size accidental pregnancy pamphlets you have laying around. Without covers.
Jun 7 2006The Wicker Man Trailer
In yet another attempt to make it look like Nicolas Cage has hair, the trailer for The Wicker Man has been released. A sherriff (Cage) investigates the disappearance of a young girl on an island and ends up discovering that the inhabitants are practicing strange pagan rituals. If you're a fan of the original 1973 classic, prepare to be vastly disappointed. Scientology has really made pagan rituals look tame. Burning a giant wicker effigy isn't that weird compared to a lot of things Tom Cruise has been doing. Also, due to budget constraints, all the scenes involving the wicker man were shot using a stack of baskets in a Pier 1. It comes off as surprisingly believable if you ignore the middle-aged woman haggling over the price of scented candles.
Jun 6 2006Possible Snakes on a Plane Sequels
A fella working at a film company, whose job is to search the MPAA's title registry for conflicts, has found some titles that seem to imply the possibility of a Snakes on a Plane sequel. Here's the list:
Snakes on a Boat
Snakes on a Train
Snakes on a Plane 2
More Snakes on a Plane
Snakes in Space
I don't know why they'd even consider Snakes on a Train. If anything, that's a step backwards from having snakes on a plane. If you have snakes on a train, you just stop the train, get off, clear out the snakes, get back on the train. "Snakes on a train" is an equivalent threat to "bee in your car." Clearly your winner here is Snakes in Space. When an astronaut mistakes a snake for his urine tube, you'll see why.
Jun 6 2006Jamie Foxx To Play Bob Marley
If you liked Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles, you'll love him as reggae artist Bob Marley. Or at least that's the hope of filmmakers who have cast him in the role for an upcoming biopic:
Jamie Foxx is set to play Bob Marley in a new biopic focusing on the reggae icon's early life.
Film-maker Rachid Bouchareb is set to direct the project which is the brainchild of the One Love star's widow Rita.
The decision to cast Foxx came after executives realized Will Smith was too busy, and the fear that casting any new black actors might make Hollywood too "urban." News of the casting comes as a huge disappointment to college student Tom Fleischmann, who, after staring at a poster for several hours after smoking, swore he was Bob Marley.
Jun 6 2006Rob Zombie Bringing Another Halloween
If something inside you desired another Halloween movie, allow yourself a brief moment of excitement. It was announced that Rob Zombie, director of House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects, will write and direct a new version of the classic:
I think the story and the situation is scary. All it needed was someone to come in and to take a totally different approach to make it scary again. To me, that's the challenge and that's the fun. Everything that has come before does not figure into this one. That series is done.
Since Mr. Zombie is looking to reinvent the series, I thought I'd offer up some ideas I always had for it.
1. Set it on a different holiday. Halloween is too cliched for scary movies. Scariness is more surprising if you don't expect it. Like on Christmas.
2. Call it a different name, maybe named after the new holiday. Like Christmas: The Movie.
3. Give villain Michael Myers a new look. A white beard, for instance. How about a weight problem?
4. Involve the exchange of gifts.
5. Caroling.
Jun 5 2006Wachowskis Adapting Speed Racer?
Speed Racing is about to get pseudo-philosophical! According to an informant for IGN, the Wachowski Brothers, made famous for their Matrix Trilogy, may next take-on a live-action adaptation of the anime series Speed Racer.
Larry and Andy Wachowski, the creative force behind The Matrix trilogy, may write and direct the live-action, feature film version of Speed Racer for Joel Silver Pictures and Warner Bros...None of the parties involved would go on the record when asked about the project.
Fans of the series know that Speed Racer founded the "bullet time" effect used so heavily in The Matrix series when Speed first froze at the end of the series' title sequence and the camera spun around him. With these two bullet time legends in bed together, I can only imagine what will result. It will probably take two hours to cover four minutes of events, but it won't matter with how sweet that shit is.
It still remains unclear how a Wachowski Brothers take on the quirky series would differ from the original. I fully expect Speed's famous red ascot to be made of shiny black leather.
Jun 5 2006Little Miss Sunshine Trailer #2
The second trailer has been released for Little Miss Sunshine, the story of a family's attempt at getting their young daughter to a beauty pageant, and it makes the dark comedy look even better than the first one did. And it's not just because I'm a convicted child sex-offender. It actually looks good outside of the young girl, and it's not often I say that.
Jun 5 2006Spider-Man Will Have Four Villains
In an interview with the popular hypothetical periodical iF Magazine, Spider-Man 3 producer Avi Arad confirmed that there will be four villains in the upcoming superhero film:
iF: There are four villains this time, Venom, Sandman, and Green Goblin and when is the fourth going to be revealed?
ARAD: Right we have four villains. Pretty soon [we'll reveal the fourth villain] I believe. Maybe around Comic Con we'll reveal something and the madness will begin.
With Arad declining to reveal the identity of the fourth villain, rumor and speculation has already formed about who it will be. The Lizard, Carnage, Electro and Hobgoblin are some popular possibilities, but if I may offer my suspicion, there's a reason Spidey drops the red in his costume. That's right: communism. It's real, it's dangerous, it's deadly, and it's been America's first villain since the end of the second World War. With any luck, the reason for the Gwen Stacey love triangle is because he reports that pinko Mary Jane. Her hair was getting a little too red, if you catch my meaning. And if it's not communism, it's definitely obesity.
Jun 5 2006The Holiday Trailer
When some unscrupulous men cheat on Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslett, they decide to take a holiday by switching homes, leaving the American Diaz in England, and English Winslett in the States. While in the other's homeland, the two meet new mates, proving you can love someone with an accent. Some will like this one for its romantic comedy elements. I like it because it teaches women to run away from their problems with men. Ladies, if you're wronged, don't stick around and slash his tires, throw bricks at his house, or steal his cat. Just haul off to another country and get involved with someone else. You hear me, Sarah? Watch this trailer and give me back my cat.
