Apr 21 2006Dead or Alive Movie Trailer
Fans of the video game or the female form will want to check out the trailer for Dead or Alive. Finally, someone is doing a video game movie right. It looks like the filmmakers have chosen to take the fighting, volleyball, and the beautiful, nearly-naked women that made the video game series so popular, then not add anything else, like a plot, or real dialogue, or anything else that would detract from the boobs. If you're desperate enough to see this in a theatre and endure an hour-and-a-half of drivel just to see a few pretty girls swing swords and play volleyball in bikinis, we should make a club or something, because there must be more of us, and we should "hang."
Apr 21 2006Angelina Jolie Prepares For Tomb Raider 3
Tomb sanctity is in jeopardy, again! In between making preparations for the birth of the most sexually appealing infant in the world and adopting things, Angelina Jolie has agreed to star in the third installment of the monumentally frivolous Tomb Raider film franchise. Disingenuously bisexual women everywhere will tout the Oscar-winning actress as their sole lesbian desire more than ever, according to a source:
Angelina is already in training to make sure she gets rid of her post-pregnancy bulge. She wants to be in tip-top shape and look better in Lara's outfit than ever.
Fans of synergy should note note that the latest Tomb Raider game is currently enjoying surprising success, and my Pregnancy Fetishists Anonymous sponsor, Cory, should note that I've fallen off the wagon again. One day at a time, man. One day at a time.
Apr 21 2006Marie-Antoinette French Posters
With Sofia Coppola's Marie-Antoinette set to debut at Cannes, the official French posters have been released. Kirsten Dunst stars in the film, but with her face cleverly concealed here, I'm forced to question if this really is the actress on the poster. Only one woman I know wears a hat so carefully positioned over one eye...Carmen Sandiego! I knew you were in France, you bitch.
See the second poster, and learn how "brain dead" is the new "looking at all attractive," after the cut.
Apr 20 2006Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man Trailer
Even if you're not a fan of his music, check out the trailer for the documentary of this music legend, Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man. It features an interview and performance with U2, and if Bono can take time from his busy schedule for it, so can you. His involvement cost the lives of hundreds upon thousands of starving Africans he could have otherwise been playing a benefit for, or meeting with world leaders about. So keep that in mind as you watch, you mindless butcher.
Apr 20 2006More Shots From Superman Returns
Whether or not you're excited enough for Superman Returns to still care about the seemingly endless stream of images that keep coming, you have to appreciate an old woman forcing a man in black spandex to pet himself. And I guarantee it will cost you twice as much to see at a bachelor party.
More new shots of Lex Luthor, Lois Lane, and other bullshit under the cut.
Apr 20 2006Penelope Cruz in Volver
Dark Horizons has some images from the new Pedro Almodovar film, Volver, starring Penelope Cruz. Almodovar wrote and directed the critically acclaimed Talk to Her and Bad Education, so this is one to take a look at. Plus, the pictures are all of Penelope Cruz looking sexy, so you can rest assured the film will have that, if nothing else. Unless you're one of the people who keeps telling me she looks like a rat. You're wrong, she's hot, not a rat. Even* when she's being sniffed by a strange man.
*Particularly.
Apr 19 2006Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Character Images
Have you ever wondered what it would look like if street artists drew caricatures of homeless vagrants as mermen? You're in luck! The artists down at Disney have done just that for you, though they claim it's from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest:
Here's a first look at conceptual designs and maquette busts of two members from Davy Jones' crew. Hadras & Maccus sail aboard the Flying Dutchman, their bodies assimilating elements of the sea itself under the curse of Davy Jones.
I know a lot of people are going to come down on how shitty this art looks, but I know from personal experience that this kind of thing looks better in a real life, since I've actually seen them in person. My high school's mascot was the Fightin' Sea Hobo.
See another under the cut.
Continue Reading "Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Character Images"
Apr 19 2006Monarch of the Moon Trailer
Now at the official site, you can see the trailer for Monarch of the Moon, a mock b-movie about America's greatest superhero, Yellow Jacket, and his battle against the Japanese super agent, the Dragonfly, who has formed a deadly alliance with the Monarch of the Moon. When I first heard this idea and saw a few images, it seemed like it had a lot of potential, but the more I see of it the worse it's starting to look. It's like when I decided to adopt a kid; it looked cute at first, but the closer I got, the more it started to stink and make noises I didn't like. Though that problem took care of itself, will it be so easy to ditch Monach of the Moon in a mall bathroom?
Apr 19 2006The Omen Poster
The new poster for The Omen reminds us how to tell if our children are anti-christs. If you suspect your kid is a Satan, try to get him to walk into a sunset or towards headlights (maybe just drive at him) and pay careful attention to his shadow. If it's child shaped, you've got a kid; if it's cross-shaped, you have a Satan. Either that, or the kid might just have his arms out like a cross, so make sure his arms are down before trying to kill him for being a Satan. There's also another possibility, which is that the "child" you've been raising has just been a wooden cross.
Apr 18 2006More Stills From Marie-Antoinette
As any respectable Sofia Coppola fan is, I'm really excited about the auteur's stylized look at the life of the young French queen, Marie-Antoinette. So, in anticipation of the film, here's a shot of Kirsten Dunst doing an impression of Garden State. Come back next week and I'll have a video clip of her driving away with a gas pump to indie music.
See more here.
Apr 18 2006Silent Hill Video Clip
If you can't wait until Friday to see video game adaptation Silent Hill, here's a minute long clip to tide you over. In it, the main character, Rose, is pursued by some creepy miners until their special bird alerts them that the walls will turn to flesh and begin decaying. The clip is bound to cause some debate on whether or not staying in a room that's turning into flesh and decaying until a specially trained bird is alerted is the only way to avoid mutant miners, or if there are other methods that might not involve birds or walls made of flesh. I'm afraid that's a question I can't answer in this forum. Some questions can only be answered in your own heart.
Apr 18 2006Clerks 2 Official Trailer
After a teaser and Internet exclusive, the official trailer for Clerks 2 has finally been released. It's filled with the kind of jokes Kevin Smith is known for, so if you liked or hated the earlier trailers, you'll probably feel the same about this one, except cumulative. The part I like is how it transitions from black & white, then to de-saturated color, before going into full color, because I've heard that at the two-thirds point of the movie, it becomes super-saturated color, then ultraviolet, until it ends with pure energy shooting out of the screen and everyone in the theatre is screaming, and the entire audience wakes up an hour later on a small raft with no memory of any of it. Also, the color thing in the trailer is cute because it reminds me the first one was shot in black & white. But mostly the first reason.
Apr 17 2006The Omen International Trailer
The international trailer for The Omen remake has hit the Internet. Though half of it is stock footage, there's a lot of neat stuff, including rabid apes, an old pope spilling wine, a baby mutant skeleton, Julie Stiles in a tub of blood, and the deformed freak above. After watching, I was reminded why I don't have kids. Who's to say I wouldn't have the anti-christ, here to fulfill a prophecy to end the world? With my genes, I'd say there's a pretty good chance I would. Or worse yet, what if he were retarded?
Apr 17 2006First Look at Bond Villain Le Chiffre
A Danish newspaper has printed the first picture of the villain of the new Bond film, Le Chiffre. Wisely, the filmmakers have gone with the deadly look of nerdy haircut meets steak knife accident. Isn't the whole villain with a facial scar thing kind of played out at this point? If they want to be both original and scary, they should do something new with his face, like hang a testicle off a cheek. That way, when he's interrogating Bond, he can say, "Surrender, Mr. Bond, or I'll make you touch my facial testicle, which is exactly what it sounds like," to which Bond would reply, "I'd been wondering what was in that miniature velvet sack on your cheek."
Apr 17 2006Meg Concept Art
Straddling the line between awesome and idiotic, concept art has been released for Meg, a movie about the hunt for an 80-foot, 100,000 pound Megalon shark. Strangely, I have a ballpoint pen version of the same concept in a junior high notebook, except I also had the vision to place a ninja clan on the shark's back, and instead of a surfer, it's going after my parents.
I don't so much wonder what this scene will be in the movie, as much as why this scene isn't in every movie. I can't think of a single film this scene wouldn't add something to, even if that "something" was just an enormous shark eating a surfer. Isn't that enough?
