Feb 24 2006Cars Daytona 500 Spot
To draw in the Daytona 500 fans, Pixar created a special TV spot for their upcoming Cars that showcases the racing elements of the film, sort of like waving a beer in front of an alcoholic (which many of them are). There aren't many comedic elements to the ad, and it was still looking well-below the standards set by Pixar, until we hit the final line, spoken by Mater (voiced by Larry the Cable Guy): "Git-R-Done." That's when I laughed so hard I pissed and shit!
They should just put a confederate flag on the bumper, a Calvin urinating on Ford/Chevrolet in the back window, have the movie ticket double as a hunting license, and make the tagline, "This film forfeits our society to the hill folk. Enjoy."
Feb 24 2006Mischa Barton as Supergirl
Assuming Superman Returns is as big of a hit as the studios are counting on it being, rumor is they'd like to make a Supergirl spin-off, and The O.C.'s Mischa Barton is the frontrunner for the title role. This casting idea makes sense, because Supergirl is a powerful girl with superhuman strength and abilities, and Mischa Barton is an awkward, gangly, rat-girl. She's the perfect counterpart to Superman, assuming we recast him with David Spade.
Feb 24 2006Disney's The Wild Poster
The CG jungle animal escape movie that isn't Madagascar, The Wild, has released its new poster with the clever tagline: "Start spreading the newspaper." Because animals use newspaper as toilets. Even jungle animals. It's completely appropriate. Don't even question it.
Feb 24 2006Philip Seymour Hoffman to Play Roger Ebert
In an appearance on the Howard Stern Show today, film critic Roger Ebert mentioned that a Russ Meyer biopic is in the works, with Oscar-nominee Philip Seymour Hoffman set to play the critic. Then Ebert, at Stern's encouragement, showed his breasts and had lunch meat thrown at his ass. I mean, I didn't hear it, but I assume.
This sounds like pretty good casting, because Hoffman is male, white and kind of fat. I don't know what other requirements there would be.
Feb 24 2006Spider-Man's New Costume Unveiled
Sony has finally released an official picture from Spider-Man 3. At first it appears to be a black & white photo of the webslinger, but closer examination reveals this is, in fact, the first shot of Spider-Man's new black costume. Fans of the comic series will recognize the black suit implies the presence of an alien symbiote and Venom story.
I'm not a big fan of Venom, but at least the costume doesn't look as hokey as it could. When my brother started wearing black, he kept attaching chains and safety pins to himself. Though he also started writing bad poetry and listening to a lot of Morrissey, so I think he had a whole other thing going on.
Feb 23 2006Pan's Labyrinth Looks Gross
Ain't-It-Cool-News was sent some scans from a European magazine showing some images from Guillermo del Torro's new horror, Pan's Labyrinth, and man are they terrifying. The film tells the story of a young girl who travels with her family to rural Northern Spain, where her imaginary world begins to take over. Besides revealing how amazing the grotesqueness of this film looks to be, I'm pleased that there's finally proof that other kids had imaginary pale scrotum men that ate big novelty peanuts for them. I told you, mom.
More after the jump.
Feb 23 2006Thornton to Get Stuck in Cave
Billy Bob Thornton is on-board to write, direct, and star in a drama telling the true story of Floyd Collins, an explorer who became trapped in Kentucky's Sand Cave in 1925, creating a 13-day media circus that ultimately ended in his death. As soon as I heard this movie involved exploring a cave, I said, "Come on, haven't we all seen The Goonies?" Then I read on and realized it was nothing at all like The Goonies, except possibly that it involves a cavern, so I had to start going around asking people if they really had seen The Goonies, so it wouldn't seem like I thought this movie sounded like that.
Feb 23 2006Grey Gardens Gets Fictionalized
Grey Gardens, the documentary chronicling the home life of Jackie O's cousin and aunt, whose squalid estate made headlines when the health department threatened to raid the premises, is set to be made into a motion picture starring Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange:
Barrymore will play Little Edie, and Lange will play her mother, Big Edie Bouvier Beale, the socialite cousin and aunt, respectively, of Kennedy Onassis. The Edies made headlines around the world when Jackie O herself materialized to rescue her family from public disgrace.
What made the original Grey Gardens so interesting was more than the actual story of the affluent socialites; it was the raw exposure of the characters. This production will have a lot to live up to in portraying these personalities. Luckily, they've got Drew Barrymore on board, ensuring a completely inappropriate mix of cute, bubbly optimism, goofy comic pratfalls, and probably visible nipples.
Feb 23 2006Friday the 13th has Director
The upcoming prequel to Friday the 13th, focusing on the origins of Jason Voorhees, is now attached to horror director Jonathan Liebesman:
Liebesman, who's in final negotiations, has already worked with the studio and Platinum Dunes on "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning," due out in October. His debut feature was 2003's "Darkness Falls" for Revolution.
I can't even describe how low my hopes for this project are. After the Friday the 13th prequel, I hope Liebesman works on inventing invisible poop, because then he'll officially be an expert at creating unnecessary crap I won't see.
Feb 22 2006Sam Jackson Makes Casting Call
Samuel L. Jackson has announced his grand idea for a new film. He doesn't have a plot or anything, but he has figured out the cast: every A-list black male he can think of.
I think it would be something that people would want to go out and see - if it were me, Denzel [Washington], Eddie [Murphy], Morgan [Freeman], Will [Smith], Don Cheadle, all of us in the same place at the same time.
I'm glad someone finally has the bravery to segregate black actors. Next, he should work on an all-black-actor drinking fountain, or section of a bus. Really, though, I guess this idea isn't any more ridiculous than Ocean's Eleven is for white A-listers, though it's strange that Don Cheadle is somehow in both crowds.
Incidentally, upon hearing Jackson's dream cast, Laurence Fishburne couldn't stop crying.
Feb 22 2006Those Crazy Chinese
In a recent demand by China's State Administration of Radio, Film and Television, content depicting human actors with animated characters is no longer allowed in the country. Those pieces that have already been approved, luckily, will continue to be aired, allowing another generation of Chinese boys to secretly masturbate to Jessica Rabbit and Cool World.
"These human live-action, so-called animation pieces will not receive distribution or distribution licenses," read the order, issued Feb. 15. However, films and shows that have already received permits will continue to air. CGI and 2-D characters alongside human actors jeopardize "the broadcast order of homemade animation and mislead their development," according to a report from the state-run Xinhua News Agency.
Well, goddammit. How are we going to disseminate our capitalist agenda without sending another Space Jam to China? You've won again, Commies.
Feb 22 2006New Aquaman
Last month, it was announced that Will Toale, chiefly a briefs model, would be playing Aquaman on the upcoming television series. Strike that! Now it's going to be Justin Hartley, a soap opera actor from Passions. Luckily, no one knows who either actor is, so the news isn't too upsetting. It's like secretly replacing your Wal-Mart coffee with K-Mart blend. Even if you somehow notice, does it really matter?
Feb 21 2006Kate Moss Playing Lesbian
Model Kate Moss is set to make her acting debut in a new film directed by Ang Lee, a picture based on the life of British soul singer Dusty Springfield. While Charlize Theron is rumored for the lead, Moss hopes to play the role of the singer's first lover. I worry there are some people still thick-headed enough to think that because she's playing a lesbian, Kate Moss must be a lesbian too, so let me clear this up right now: Kate Moss will do absolutely anything for cocaine, lesbian or not.
Feb 21 2006Terrence Howard is Rick James, Thurgood Marshall
In a follow-up to yesterday's story that Terrence Howard may be playing Joe Louis for Spike Lee, another article reveals even more for the future of the actor, including more biopics:
He'll play a police officer helping (and loving) a grieving, revengeful Jodie Foster in "The Brave One." He'll portray an inspirational coach in the true-life "PDR" and a social worker in the ensemble drama "August Rush." He has also been talking to the makers of three different biopics - on boxer Joe Louis, singer Rick James and Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall.
Howard notes that the role he's most interested in playing is Thurgood Marshall, which makes no sense. When you're given the choice between a crazy, cocaine addicted, cornrow wearing, "King of Funk," and a Supreme Court Justice, there's no choice at all. Regardless, it would seem an Oscar nomination has earned Terrence Howard what Hollywood normally requires hundreds of sexual favors for: success!
Feb 21 2006Jurassic Park IV Coming in '08
As if the franchise hadn't been bled enough as it is, producer Frank Marshall said in a recent interview that Jurassic Park IV "has a good script now, so we should have that one up and running next year for release in 2008."
The way they're treating Jurassic Park reminds me of an old folk tale in which a man finds a tree with the best apples he's ever seen. Everyone loves the apples, so he keeps going back for more to sell every day, but the village keeps liking them less and less because he's run out of the good fruit and he's forced to pick the rotten and not-yet-ripe apples. Then, they make three sequels to this folk tale, and they're all pretty shitty and about dinosaurs.
Feb 21 2006Spielberg Confirms Indy 4
Though most of the principals have already spoken up about their involvement about the project, Steven Spielberg had yet to confirm that he would direct a fourth Indiana Jones film until saying this:
I am about to make Indiana Jones 4, which is, as far as I am concerned, the sweet dessert I give those who had to chow down on the bitter herbs that I've used in Munich.
So you used some "bitter herbs" to make Munich, eh, Stevie? Don't worry, I dig your "bitter herbs," man. I didn't know you partied, but I guess that explains why Munich was so long. And had all those sequences of kaleidoscope patterns set to sitar.
Feb 21 2006Das Parfum Teaser Trailer is Creepy
The teaser for Perfume, the newest project from the director of Run Lola Run, is now available in a convenient, downloadable format. The upcoming German film features Dustin Hoffman and Alan Rickman, though only a girl and a terrifying freak are shown in the clip. If you think being secretly sniffed by a man from behind isn't scary, you haven't seen this trailer. Or been on the subway, for that matter.
Feb 20 2006A Scanner Darkly Trailer
Keanu Reeves proves, once again, that he's better at acting stupidly inquisitive than anyone else in Hollywood in the new trailer for A Scanner Darkly. The whole trailer reminds me of sex, in that I'm not exactly sure what's going on and it seems kind of confusing, but I'm still very excited to experience it at least once.
Feb 20 2006Arthur and the Minimoys Shots
Madonna Tribe, a cult to which we should all belong, got ahold of some character shots from Luc Besson's animated Arthur and the Minimoys, which Madonna provides her voice for. Is it just me, or do Arthur and his friends look like they might lack simple reasoning skills? I mean, he seems to handle a sword pretty well, but if the time comes for some reading comprehension, basic mathematics, or using a zipper, I'd just as soon find someone with eyebrows for the job.
One more after the jump.
Feb 20 2006Basic Instict 2 French Poster
The French poster for Basic Instinct 2 has been released and it features Sharon Stone about to give oral sex to a sharpened penis. Sure, it might just be an ice pick, but according to the leaked promo reel that wouldn't be nearly sexy or dangerous enough to be in the movie.
Feb 20 2006Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt kiss on La Methode Cauet
I don't normally watch French television, but if it features Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt kissnig each other all the time then I might have to change that. I'm not entirely sure where these are from, but it looks like an appearance on La Methode Cauet which, by the looks of it, might very well be the best television show on Earth.
Continue Reading "Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt kiss on La Methode Cauet"
Feb 20 2006Spike Lee Making Louis Bio
Speaking at a university this past Martin Luther King Jr. Day, director Spike Lee revealed his next project. Following the Hurricane Katrina documentary he is currently working on, he hopes to begin a biopic on boxer Joe Louis starring Oscar nominee Terrence Howard.
Spike Lee has been kind of hit-and-miss for me, but I'm really hoping he nails this one, because it could be something great. A success could mean such choice quotes as, "Howard delivers a knock-out performance," "Lee keeps viewers on the ropes," and People Magazine's recommendation, "You'll 'Louis' yourself in this riveting drama!"
Feb 20 2006Morris Making Nub City
Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris's next project will be based on a true story he's had on his mind for close to thirty years. The director, whose Fog of War won an Academy Award for best documentary feature last year, will be shooting a horror film based on a Florida city where several residents began losing limbs after taking out insurance policies on themselves, earning it the nickname "Nub City." He had originally hoped to make a documentary on the city, but found no cooperation in the residents.
An Errol Morris horror movie should be a pretty fantastic creation, particularly with a subject matter as strange as this. I'd rather see the documentary, honestly, but I can't really blame the residents for not wanting to be documented on film. Once you start getting billed as "Nub City," you've got a lot to live up to. There will be a lot of tourists asking to see your nubs. If rival cities that have a lot of nubs see the film, they might start increasing their nubs to compete for the "Nub City" title, creating a "nub war." Then you're left with two cities full of gross, nubby people, and nobody wants that. Except nub fetishists.
I'm sorry if nub isn't the politically correct term, but I'm not the one who invented the name "Nub City." I've always said, "Gross Little Stumpy Freak City."
