Jan 27 2006Napoleon Dynamite To Sumo Wrestle
The writers of Wedding Crashers, Steve Faber and Bob Fisher, have been commissioned by Fox to write a script based on Josha Davis's GQ article about being a 134-pound man competing in the U.S. Sumo Open. John Heder of Napoleon Dynamite fame is already being tapped to play the lead. Let's hope these comedy writers are able to resist making this too much of a slapstick, and really get to the deep emotional drama of a skinny white guy wrestling a nearly-naked 500 pound man.
My only question: When will Hot Topic begin carrying "Vote for Sumo" shirts?
Jan 27 2006Kidman and Leigh Following Squid
Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Jason Leigh are set to star in Noah Baumbach's untitled follow-up to The Squid and the Whale:
Although details are being kept under wraps, the film will be another multigenerational story that takes place over a weekend and follows a mom and her son who visit the mom's sister. Kidman and Leigh are in talks to play the sisters
With Baumbach at the helm, this film sounds like one to keep an eye on. But more importantly: how did he know about my dreams where Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Jason Leigh are sisters? And if he does know about those dreams, can he explain why Patrick Duffy is also in them? His presence is bringing up too many questions I can't answer.
Jan 27 2006Robin Williams Plays Teddy
Does anyone think Robin Williams is still funny? Apparently, the creators of Night at the Museum do, because he's been cast in the Ben Stiller comedy. The film, which also stars Carla Gugino, Kim Raver, Mickey Rooney, and Dick Van Dyke, tells the story of a bumbling security guard that unlocks a curse in a museum, making the displays come to life. Williams will play Theodore Roosevelt, who is awakened from one of the museum's exhibits.
Hollywood's nailed the casting of a film yet again. While Roosevelt was the first American to win a Nobel Prize, famous for the quote, "Speak softly and carry a big stick," and a key figure in creating the Panama Canal, Williams often jumps on chairs spouting a chain of impressions, and was a key figure in creating Mrs. Doubtfire and Bicentennial Man. The two couldn't be better matched.
Jan 26 2006No More Toy Story 3
Now that Pixar and Disney have become one, John Lasseter and Ed Catmull announced to the Disney animation department that they are no longer producing Toy Story 3. The news comes from a forum, where the author claims:
They said that sequels should only be made if there is a really great story that demands it, and should be the domain of those who created the original film.
In other words, if Pixar wants to make a sequel to its films, it will. If Disney Feature wants to make a sequel to its film, it will. But the two will not cross.
That's a shame real shame. I think Toy Story was one of the few cases where the sequel may actually outshine the first. I can only assume the third film would have been even better, and a fourth even better than that, and so on and so on. Until eventually, after 150 or so, they're getting so good that God has to physically intervene, because we're just getting "too close."
Jan 26 2006CHEck This Out!
Benicio Del Toro has been spotted for the first time in his full Che garb on the set of the biopic of the same name. Let me admit, straight up, I've never seen an actual photograph of Che Guevara, but Del Toro does look pretty close to the shirts people kept wearing back when Rage Against the Machine was popular. Granted, I've also never seen the actual shirts, but I think I saw a parody shirt once where that Super Mario character was Che, and I can imagine how this might look something like what that might have been imitating.
Jan 26 2006Ultra Coming To CBS
Barbara Hall, creator of Joan of Arcadia and writer on Judging Amy has a new pilot in the works called Ultra:
"Ultra," from CBS Paramount Network TV, revolves around a female superhero who must contend with saving the world while pursuing a life as a single girl in the city. In the comicbook, which parodies celeb magazines, Ultra's alter ego, Pearl Penalosa, is a semi-icon who graces billboards advertising popular products.
Normally, I'd stop listening right after I hear the words "writer on Judging Amy," and this was no exception. I think the rest said something about a woman reading a magazine.
Jan 26 2006Bambi 2 Preview Is Boring
In an attempt to create a "buzz," Disney has posted a long preview of its February 7 release, Bambi 2. A deer and a rabbit making cute growls for ten minutes may somehow be interesting to children or the mentally ill, but seriously, it was terrible. The only notable section comes near the end, where Bambi provides a strong moral example by preventing domestic abuse between two deer.
Disney may think they can lure me into buying this movie to recreate the sorrowful emotions it brought out in my youth, but they weren't counting on the fact that it no longer takes movies to make me cry. That's right, Disney, I already cry through the majority of my day. Sometimes through the night, too!
Jan 26 2006Weezer Is The New Velvet Underground
To the delight of college students from 1995, members of Weezer will be playing The Velvet Underground in the upcoming Edie Sedgewick biopic Factory Girl. Lou Reed will be played guitarist Brian Bell, while drummer Patrick Wilson will take on John Cale.
With the deprecating things Lou Reed has already said about Factory Girl, I can only imagine what he's going to say about this casting. Actually, I can also tell you what I imagine:
Lou Reed sips coffee at breakfast in a posh, New York loft. The phone rings.
Lou: Lou Reed here.
Agent: Lou, it's your agent. Weezer is playing you in that movie you hate.
Lou Reed spits coffee. Smoke shoots out of his ears.
Lou: Not cool!
Jan 25 2006Jenny McCarthy freaks out in Dirty Love
Apparently it's become my job to save you from watching crappy movies just for the gratuitous nude scenes. I think I accomplished the feat nicely with Kristanna Loken's sex scene in Bloodrayne, but today we turn our attention to Jenny McCarthy's Dirty Love, which got a whopping 3.3 on IMDB. I haven't seen it myself, but it's probaby safe to assume that this is the best scene it has to offer. I mean Jenny McCarthy freaking out and smashing her boobs together like she's lost her mind? That's classic film making if I've ever seen it. Throw in a couple of cowgirl strippers and we've got ourselves an Oscar contender.
Completely NSFW video clip after the jump.
Jan 25 2006Silent Hill poster contest
These poster voting contests must be working out pretty well, since Sony has thrown up a poster voting site for Silent Hill similar to the MySpace for Sympathy for Lady Vengeance. Obviously I thought number four was the best, but you can head on over and vote for whichever one you liked. Although if it's not number four you're probably an idiot.
Jan 25 2006Chris Penn found dead
Chris Penn, the younger brother of Sean Penn, was found dead in his Santa Monica condominium yesterday. There were no obvious signs of foul play, but an autopsy is planned to determine the cause of death.
It's always sad when somebody dies, especially when they're as young as Chris was. And although he never had any major leading roles, you'd probably recognize him as that funny fat guy in a number of movies. You can view a list of all his movie credits here, most notable of which is probably his role of Nice Guy Eddie in Reservoir Dogs.
Jan 25 2006WB, UPN Fuse Into Something
The WB and UPN networks, long-time losers in the network wars, have announced a merger, forming a new entity called The CW Network. CBS CEO Leslie Moonves has deluded herself into thinking that:
The CW is going to be a real competitor -- a destination for young audiences and diverse audiences and a real favorite among advertisers.
The news arrives with the same impact as a neighborhood block sale, bringing unwanted items from several parties into a communal, still un-wanted body. Luckily, the merger promises viewers that flipping past WB and UPN programming will now take half as long.
Jan 25 2006Andy Garcia Plays With Emotions
Jieho Lee's crime drama The Air I Breathe has added Andy Garcia to its already (semi)star-heavy lineup. The script is based on an ancient Chinese proverb that divides life into four emotional cornerstones, with each of the protagonists based on one of the emotions:
Happiness (Forest Whitaker), Pleasure (Brendan Fraser), Sorrow (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Love (Kevin Bacon).
I actually like this idea of assigning celebrities emotions they could represent. We should start using it in daily conversation. For instance, saying, "I'm feeling a little Woody Allen today," would mean you're feeling neurotic. If someone said, "I'm in a Russell Crowe mood," it would mean to watch out, since they're a bit aggressive. Or someone might say, "I'm really Tom Arnold," and it would really be Tom Arnold, asking if you have any roles for him.
Jan 25 2006X-Men Titled
20th Century has confirmed that a title for X-men 3 has been chosen and is currently being cleared for usage: X-Men: The Last Stand. The title had already appeared in USA Today, making it the rumored front-runner up to the confirmation. The Last Stand narrowly beat out fan favorite title: The One That Will Probably Suck. I Mean, Brett Ratner Is Doing It. And Juggernaut Is Way Too Small. But Did You See Beast? He Looks Kind Of Good, Huh?
Also confirmed yesterday was 13-year-old Ira Schultz, whose bar mitzvah went splendidly. Congrats, Ira!
Jan 25 2006Sandman Gets Some Trim
Jan 24 2006Disney buys Pixar
Walt Disney announced today that it would buy Pixar Animation Studios in a $7.4 billion deal that gives Pixar animators creative control and makes Pixar CEO Steve Jobs one of Disney's largest shareholders. Additionally, Disney will also hand over its own animation studio to Pixar.
As long as Disney is able to resist the urge to start exercising creative control, this should be an awesome move for both parties. Pixar gets to keep making the best animated films in the world, and Disney gets to, uh, receive money.
Jan 24 2006Katie Holmes' sex scene goes missing
A 12-second sex scene with Katie Holmes was missing from Jason Reitman's upcoming film "Thank You for Smoking" during its screening at Sundance. Apparently nobody noticed or cared, but director Jason Reitman is making a huge fuss over the whole thing, telling people to rewatch the movie and even explaining to Sundance audiences what they were missing.
I've seen the trailer for the movie, and it looks fantastic as is. I honestly don't even understand why a Katie Holmes sex scene is even in the movie, let alone why it would make it better. That would be like Jean-Claude Van Damme trying to take on a film about the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Hilarious, but totally inappropriate.
Jan 24 2006Nacho Libre Pictures
There are some newish images from the comedy Nacho Libre, written and directed by Jared Hess of Napoleon Dynamite fame. If you think that's a shirtless Jack Black playing a Mexican wrestler, you're spot on. But if you think it's a picture of a fat John Holmes living in the desert, you're probably addicted to pornography.
NOTE: I do have pictures of a fat John Holmes living in the desert, if you'd like them.
More after the jump.
Jan 24 2006Someone Is Willing To Re-Make Magnum P.I.
Rawson Marshall Thurber, recently voted most affluently named human, has signed-on to write and direct a film adaptation of the popular 80's series Magnum P.I.
Thurber, who wrote and directed the hit comedy "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story," is not making a spoof but rather something akin to the tone of the show, which mixed humor and danger.
How would someone even make a spoof of Magnum P.I.? I mean, the storyline is that the mustached Thomas Magnum, a Navy intelligence officer-turned-private investigator, is paid by a wealthy author/playboy to live in the guesthouse of his vast Hawaiian estate, oversee security with the help of some of Magnum's Vietnam War buddies, and drive his Ferrari, much to the chagrin of the British estate manager Higgins. What is there to mock? The premise is rock solid.
Magnum's leaving the island is still what many believe has made Hawaii the hotbed of criminal activity it is today.
Jan 24 2006New Star Trek May Merge Generations
In an interview on Britain's ITV, Patrick Stewart revealed new rumors about a forthcoming Star Trek film, saying:
Apparently there's interest in bringing The Next Generation cast together with actors from different Star Trek series.
When asked how the story would explain the merging of different eras, he said, "I don't know, time warps or something? What does it matter? Nerds will eat this shit up."
Can you believe I was mocked in junior high for drawing this very scenario? At least when I kept drawing it. Every day.
Jan 24 2006A Taxonomy of Barnacles Optioned
The novel "A Taxonomy of Barnacles" has been optioned by Revolution Studios. While no director or cast is yet attached, the premise sounds pretty interesting:
The book, by Galt Niederhoffer, tells the story of six sisters who have been raised by their eccentric father, Barry Barnacle in an amazing New York loft filled with scientific curiosities. When most of his daughters reach adulthood, Barnacle starts a competition: whichever of the girls can carry his name in the most spectacular way will get to inherit his fortune.
My dad had a competition like this, but instead of carrying his name in a spectacular way, we just had to carry him home, however we could. Sometimes it was announced, like, "Alright kids, I'm too drunk to walk home, how are you going to get me back?" Other times, it was more spontaneous, like he'd just pass out somewhere, and the people there would tell us we had to get our dad out of there. We eventually realized our dad had a problem and got him some help. We began paying some other guy to carry him home.
Jan 24 2006Lou Reed Hates Factory Girl, Looks Simian
The Velvet Underground's Lou Reed hates the new film Factory Girl, in which Sienna Miller plays Andy Warhol's muse Edie Sedgwick. Reed, a friend of Sedgwick, told the New York Daily News,
I read that script. It's one of the most disgusting, foul things I've seen - by any illiterate retard - in a long time. There's no limit to how low some people will go to write something to make money.
The comment upset much of Hollywood, which is composed nearly entirely of illiterate retards. However, to put things in perspective, it's probably impossible to please Lou Reed after the amount of heroine he's done at this point. Nothing can compare to that.
Jan 23 2006X-Men 3 Has More Pictures
New pictures from X-Men 3 have turned up online, featuring our first in-costume glimpses of Psylocke (right), a mutant with telepathic abilities and a "psychic knife," and Stacy X (left), a mutant with the hair of Big Boy.
Sometimes it feels like I've been stabbed by Psylocke's psychic knife, but it always turns out that the psychic pain is just an alcohol-induced depression, and the stabbing pain is just a knife I fell asleep on.
Jan 23 2006Friends To Return, White People Pleased
Friends will reportedly return to television in four one-hour episodes after five-million dollar deals were struck with the six stars. While the news reports that Jennifer Aniston was the last of the stars to agree, even more hesitant were Aniston's nipples. The two became moderate celebrities in the early seasons of the hit series, but felt underused in later seasons, when Aniston's rising star status demanded slightly thicker shirts.
Scriptwriters have already begun work on the double-episodes, though some have concerns if four hours will be long enough to stretch romantic tensions they've grown accustomed to prolonging for ten years.
Jan 23 2006Da Vinci Code To Premiere At Cannes
The 58th Festival de Cannes, beginning on May 17, will open with Ron Howard's The Da Vinci Code, starring Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou, two days before the worldwide release. Good news for those attending the festival, but inconsequential to the middle-aged woman behind me at the theatre during Da Vinci's trailer. Her loud whispering revealed that it looked like a 'renter' to her, to which her overweight friend replied, "Have you read that yet? I don't read, but I hear it's so good." The two would later agree that Cars looked cute.
Jan 23 2006Fox Is The New Penguin
Good news for people who like foxes and children:
The man behind last year's biggest Sundance success story, "March of the Penguins" director Luc Jacquet, said that his follow-up will be "The Fox & the Child," a project combining nature documentary footage and a fictionalized story. "Fox" centers on a young girl and her friendship with the eponymous animal. An adult female narrator will relate the tale as a memoir of her childhood.
Producers hope the public won't confuse The Fox & the Child with the similarly titled pornographic film, Foxy & the Child which focuses on the exploits of Foxy, a past-her-prime hooker, that befriends a junior high boy (played by 33-year-old newcomer Burt Hardlength) while on a trip to the World Intercourse Championships. Which film will rule the box office? Only time will tell.
Jan 23 2006Good Charlotte is Good Actor?
Joel Madden, lead singer of Good Charlotte, will make his film debut in the drama Valley of the Damned, said to be "the Trainspotting for the new millennium," but crappy. To help prepare for the role, Madden will consult his girlfriend Hillary Duff:
She'll probably help coach me along. I really do respect her work, so she's someone who will help me when I ask her questions. I'll say, 'How did you do that?', and she'll tell me.
As examples of specific questions, he added, "Like, how did you get your teeth so big? Or how did you convince someone you were an actress?" Madden later took back the comment about respecting Duff's work after he actually saw her work.
Jan 23 2006West Wing canceled
NBC announced on Sunday that West Wing will be canceled at the end of its seventh season. The show won four Emmys for best drama, and will end this spring with the inauguration of the new fictional president. It's too bad they couldn't come up with a more exciting way to end the series. How about instead of electing a new president, the United States gets in a nuclear war with the rest of the world and the planet explodes. That'd be the best finale in the history of television.
